Dear Idiot(s) and Thirsty Men
I’d like to write this open letter to you so that I can express my heartfelt annoyance for you and towards you. Please excuse me for my candid nature and lack of a filter, but for the sake of my sanity, or actually a lack thereof, I need to say what and how I feel without interruptions from my ladylike demeanor or your false sense of manhood that you’ve learned to convey via a whack ego. Whew, that was a run-on sentence but who cares?! I’m an educated female and self-proclaimed grammar nazi … it’s about time that I join the ranks of those that will do whatever they want when they want, the rude, the selfish and my favorite “the man that doesn’t know how to be a man.”
I remember the first time I saw you—it was at a mutual friend’s Memorial Day cookout. You were in the kitchen, walking out as I was walking in. The moment you didn’t look at me as I walked past is the moment you caught my attention. I was even more impressed when you didn’t tell one of your boys to tell my girl that you wanted to get to know me, like your other friends did. Who is this man that isn’t interested in me?? I must have him!! Fast forward to the following February, word had gotten out. My curiosity about you was an active missile. You got my number from a friend and texted me. I admit it … I was happy, mission accomplished. I knew you weren’t blind. I’m not typically the girl that’s “feeling herself,” but I know I am an attractive woman.
The first time we met up was on Valentine’s Day. You came to my house smelling amazing and neatly dressed. You brought me a corny card and a cookbook. I thought it was cute considering that at the time I couldn’t cook and you informed me that you wanted a woman that could. It was a good look … Could the always busy, super-independent, old-fashioned, highly educated and sassy female be falling for somebody? I think so; however, I decided to take it slow. I made the terrible mistake of praying for a specific male in undergrad. Once I got him, I realized he was a complete fool…My next prayer was that he would exit my life. That’s neither here nor there, but never again will I pray for a specific person. My prayer is God’s will be done.
So after a few weeks, this guy … oh wait, I didn’t give him a name. Let’s call him Landon. So after a few weeks, Landon and I were pretty smitten with one another. Spending plenty of time together and asking tons of questions, I actually got to meet his kid (which even for me was a bit fast, but hey, go with the flow). I would text Landon while in my graduate classes. I was in my final semester. He appreciated my ambition, determination, hustle and drive but knew from firsthand experience how stressed I was.
One day in April, I had an EXTREMELY bad day. One of those days when you’re convinced that your life and everything you’ve worked for is abruptly going to end. All I wanted to do was go home, put on my sweats, cry and drink my Budlight lime. This day was so horrible that I texted all my friends and told them to leave me alone and not to worry, I just needed about 24 hours alone. I even left work early. On my way home, I texted Landon to let him know I was severely depressed. He was such a sweetie and told me if I didn’t mind, he would come chill with me. How sweet! He came over and just watched me cry until I had to go class that night. Since I only had one beer left in my fridge, I decided to wait until after class so I could enjoy fully it.
That night in class was typical. I was bored and not really focused. Even if I wanted to be, I was devastated about the situation that occurred earlier that day. Landon texted me and asked how I was holding up. Awww, he really cares. I was well but ready to go home and drink my beer. He texted and informed me that he had drank the beer. Blank stare. Clearly he’s joking, trying to get a cheap laugh. Ha, boy don’t play–this is not the day.
When I arrive home, the door I use to get inside my home is locked. Mind you, this is my first time letting a person stay in my humble abode alone without me. Did this Negro descendant lock me out my house?! I knocked on the door, no answer. Ok cool, calm down. I walked to the front door, which is always locked, to ring the doorbell. Is my front screen door and front door unlocked? Immediately I feel my insides get warm. I walk inside … where is Landon? I walked to my room. I look inside and I immediately rush back to my living room. There is no way in hell that Landon is asleep in MY bed in My room with an empty Budlight lime bottle on MY nightstand, all while I’m locked out of the entrance to MY house.
To further let you know how upset I was, you must understand that I’m an only child with OCD. Even at my junkiest, things must have order. There’s proper protocol in life. I look in my fridge and there are no more beers. I look on the island and there are bottle tops to beers—beers that I didn’t buy. I’ll get to that later …
So I go into my pantry to make some noodles, with no beer. As I’m sitting on my couch trying to bring my boiling blood back to a normal temperature, Landon wakes up because apparently I’m making too much noise in MY house. I ask him why he drank my beer in a calm way because I’m often told my tone is abrasive. He said he was thirsty. Ok, good reason to drink a beer. Hell, I was thirsty too and a beer would have been lovely. I asked, where did the bottle tops come from? He told me that he went to the gas station, less than a mile away to get more beer. Inside I feel a ball of fury brewing (no pun intended). So you went to get more beer, yet didn’t replace the only thing on earth that could’ve gone right for me on this day?!
He has the audacity to get upset and stretched his arms out like he’s in a rap video shouting out his lost ones. This clown looked ridiculous! We began arguing. At this point it is so much more than a beer to me! He told me I was petty and asked if I’d really drop what we had over a beer? Me, petty? Ha. I can show you better than I can tell you. I put down my noisy bowl and fork, grabbed his chucks off the floor and walked to the front door where I sat down those said chucks outside of the house. I kept the door open until he walked out, without saying a mumbling word.
Perhaps I overreacted. Perhaps I under reacted. He texted later that week to talk about it but I had nothing to say. You’re a grown man who’s five years my senior and you had the audacity to take what’s mine, not replace it, and buy yourself more. You call yourself a man? He told me in the texts that he only had $5 left to spare and needed that for gas to get back home. First, you shouldn’t have driven 20 miles if you only had $5 to spare after you bought yourself beer and drank mine. Second, you let your silly male ego blame me for this because had I not ate my dinner so loudly you wouldn’t have woken up so grumpy. Third, had you just been honest and apologized, this wouldn’t have been an issue. Fourth, how dare you get mad at me for being mad at all. Fifth, if you can’t afford to replace it, don’t use it. Lastly, while you were sitting in my bed, getting cozy and thirsty while texting sweet nothings, you couldn’t text me to ask if you could drink the beer?
I didn’t see him again for two years.
So, I write this letter to openly vent against the idiots and thirsty clowns that are out there. It isn’t his fault that he doesn’t know how to be a man or is it? because he isn’t expected to be a man. There is no telling how many women he has “dated” that tolerated his bull and put up with him because of his nice smile and pretty eyes. The idiots are the women that have conditioned him to continue to act in such a manner. A 30-year-old father of a male child has no reason to think any of this is ok, cool, or cute. Since he is not, he can’t teach his child how to properly be a man.
I have to forgive myself of the foolishness that we as females put up with, even after we have many signs and signals that it won’t work. Yes, I had signs. Thankfully, my prayer was to have revealed what I needed to see , and it was. I close with a word of advice, don’t mess with an emotional woman and an item she’s craving or looking forward to come home too! If she has sense, you will get dismissed!